


The Pack Diaries

by Esyla, hboy2



Series: The Werewolf Diaries [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: AU, Derek gets a personality, Girl!Stiles, Humor, Isaac and puppies., Multi, Stiles has too much personality, The Sheriff gets a lot of love, nothing but jokes and bullshit, this is where the sanity ends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/Esyla, https://archiveofourown.org/users/hboy2/pseuds/hboy2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The funny and silly and smutty ideas that can't quite make it into the cannon for The Stiles Diaries. There is no real flow to this. Just little drabbles full of awesome.<br/>Chapter 3: Not to be Trusted</p><p>Thank you to hboy2 for being an awesome beta/co-author and hearing the parts that i leave out and putting the pretty pretty words in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Monitored

 

 

Issac: Can I please be pulled from Stiles Duty?

Derek: No.

Isaac: But she is being weird.

Derek: It’s your turn.

Isaac: You don’t understand!

**You have received a photo.**

(Description) Isaac has taken the photo with the front facing camera so that he is in the shot. Standing directly behind Isaac is Stiles. Who is holding up a laptop above her head and face it at Isaac. The screen reads ‘You are being monitored’ and has a stick figure depiction of this exact set up.

Isaac: She keeps saying ‘you are being monitored’ over and over again in a creepy voice.

Derek: That’s not her computer.

Isaac: I think it’s Danny’s

Derek: Did she steal it?

Isaac: I don’t know maybe. Can we get back to the part that she is hoovering over me like a freak.

Derek: It’s your turn.

Isaac: I hate you. And your penis.

 **You have received a photo**.

(Description) Same scenario as previous photo. Only now Danny is in the shot and looks annoyed.

**You have received a photo.**

(Description) Isaac now has the laptop balanced on his head while Stiles and Danny are fighting in the background. The words ‘You are being Monitored’ are larger on the laptop.

Derek: Stop stealing.

Stiles: Not the boss of me.

Derek: I will spank you.

Stiles: Not the punishment you think it is.

Derek: No spanking for a month.

Stiles: I want you to know that this is me protesting. I am lodging a formal complaint with your supervisor about this. Danny got his computer back but I am still protesting.

Derek: I don’t have a supervisor.

Stiles: Because you are an unemployed weirdo.

Derek: Stop bothering Isaac.

Isaac: This is like watching my parents fight.

Stiles: I am not your mom

Derek: ….

Stiles: right?

Stiles: Derek?

Stiles: You still there? I

saac: I think he turned off his phone.

Stiles: Silence werebaby, mommy and daddy are fighting.

Isaac: You’re weird

Stiles: And you grow sideburns when you are angry.

Isaac: Harris sees you.

Stiles: Fu...


	2. Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles bought a few things for the pack.

“Stiles, what is this?” Derek asks when she arrives. He is holding a large box in his hands, with more boxes surrounding him. It takes her a minute to remember what that was all about: she’d gone on an ordering spree a while back.   
  
“Presents!” Stiles goes for her most innocent of smiles, but knows that it comes off as the crazy-eyed, Cheshire cat grin of pure evil.    
  
“I can see that from gift tags,” he replies in the flattest of tones. Derek has yet to express any kind of emotion, which is troubling because Stiles thought that she’d been doing a great job turning him into a real boy.     
  
“Ask her why I have a giant black dildo and a giant butt plug!” Erica yells from the other room. He quirks an eyebrow at Stiles.    
  
“I thought those were pretty straightforward,” Stiles shrugs, trying for innocent again. Totally not working; she needs to practice that in front of a mirror.   
  
“I don’t get it,” is all Boyd says about his present. He also received a big, black dildo. But Boyd, being Boyd, just wanders off, like a majestic wild animal that he is.  A majestic wild animal holding a foot long sexual aid.   
  
“In my defense, there was a sale, and Scott and I broke into the liquor cabinet when he broke up with Allison, so really, I cannot be blamed for my actions,” Stiles says to the utter lack of facial expression Derek is giving her.    
  
“They broke up a month ago. These arrived yesterday,” Damn Derek and his amazing human lie detector skills.   
  
“Fine, I got them last week,” Stiles throws her arms up in defeat. Can’t a girl catch a break around here?  Here she is, playing Sexy Santa, and all she gets is lip.   
  
“As in last week, last week?” Isaac appears from somewhere. Werewolf Isaac has gotten really good at doing that; like despite his natural, Hulk-like tendencies, he’s developed some truly excellent vanishing/magically appearing skills.    
  
“Yes, Isaac dear, last week. Specifically, right after that night where the the only thing on the menu was a giant helping of sexy Derek/Stiles/Isaac hot beef special. As in, the night after I let you and Derek fuck me together. You may use your big boy words for this conversation.”    
  
Derek growls, the memory obviously not as awesome for him as it was for her. Since that night, there’s been a bit of a change in dynamic between Derek and Isaac, and she is not pleased. Stiles is working on it though, because seriously, who was she to say no to a threesome? Especially a threesome with hot, muscular werewolves who are totally into her.  Not her; her daddy didn’t raise no fools.    
  
“Mine makes more sense now,” Isaac nods and leaves in a puff of imaginary smoke. She thinks it was probably a pale blue, with sparkles, because Isaac is totally her favorite.   
  
“Still looking a little android-ish; like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, before he got the emotion chip. I don’t think I like it,” Stiles says to Derek, who is still holding his now-opened-box.   
  
“Why is there so much leather and metal in here?” He was very disconcerted, and had that constipated look on his face that she is ashamed to admit really cranks her engine.    
  
“Oh, that’s for me. Well, it’s for you to use on me, really. I mean, I thought that was clear from the shape and size of the stuff.  It’s not like we could get you in that bustier, and I will kick you right in the penis if you say that you can, because you do not fit in my clothes, no matter the size of my chest.” Stiles pulls the lingerie from the box and holds it up against herself. “The butt plugs are for me, too. I already have a few at home that goes with my extensive vibrator collection, but nothing in this size. Not that I’m going to need the vibes as much anymore since you kind of have that department covered.”    
  
Derek opens another box and pulls out a large, cushioned wedge, with cuffs dangling from each side. “You want me to use these? On you?” We have life signs on planet Derek!    
  
“Yes! Oh, pretty, pretty please. I don’t know if I can watch all that device bondage on Kink.com for much longer without trying it myself. I mean, it looks like fun. We can totally work our way up later to tying me to water pipes and stuff but if you could just...” Houston we have lift off.    
  
This was one of her better ideas, clearly, because Derek enjoys the whole ‘control’ thing way more than he can articulate. That’s fine by her book as actions always speak louder than words: he has her naked and tied down before she could even finish her sentence. And really, he must have had some experience because he has zero trouble setting her up with the Liberator ramp and wedge kit, and oh god, she needs to stop thinking because she’s starting to sound like an infomercial. A really dirty, late night infomercial on Skinemax.   
  
So instead of internally narrating her own personal porn film, she watches Derek tear through boxes.  The door swing catches his interest, and it’s adorable how he wavers between presents; like he wants to play with everything but he knows that there’s more boxes to open and more toys to explore. Stiles is 100% certain she’s the awesomest fuck buddy ever, and deserves all the orgasms.     
  
“Not to rush things,” Stiles calls out, and Derek turns to glare. Oh goody, he’s found the riding crop!  This is seriously the best day ever. “But I originally came over to get Isaac to do his half of our chem lab assignment. So...if we could get this show on the road? I have a GPA to maintain.” It would have sounded more authoritative if she hadn’t been cuffed down, ass up on the cushioned wedge.   
  
She gets a spanking for that with said riding crop. Derek is such an ass man, it’s utterly hilarious; except she’s too busy getting soaking wet and has zero breath to spare for laughing. Stiles thinks it’s been a truly illuminating night so far: who knew that getting cropped hard enough to raise welts could get her so revved up that a quick and dirty grind against the cushion is enough to make her come so hard, she greys out.  She knows she’s making all kinds of truly obscene noises, but she has zero fucks to give.   
  
And when Derek slides into her, she loses the ability to see for half a second. The angle of the wedge is all kinds of amazing, and, oh my god, he hits all her favorite spots in one go, her clit rubbing against the cushion and she’s split open by his cock..    
  
“Oh, fuck me,” she groans, teeth clenching hard as she feels him slide so big, so hard, and so fucking deep she can practically feel him in her throat.   
  
“Stop talking, unless you want to be gagged,” Derek growls but it’s that ‘I am too blissed out but trying to hide it’ growl. Stiles moans happily, and tries to arch back and grind back against him.   
  
Derek grabs her by the hair and yanks as he sets a brutal tempo. He pulls her hair back and forces her into an extreme arch that, oh fuck jesus buddha, gets her in the perfect position so that every thrust slides right over that spot, and oh, she’s so wet she can hear it as he ruts against her.     
  
She loses count of how often she orgasms from his tireless fucking, her body just giving up after orgasm number five where she’s pretty sure she just juiced all over him.  Stiles has actually come so much that it starts to fucking hurt. Not the good, ‘oh baby spank me more,’  but the ‘I am getting rug burn on my vagina’ kind of hurt.  Her knees are going to have bone-deep bruises, her groin is going to be black and blue, and she’s starting to stick to the cushion.  Definitely too much of a good thing.   
  
“Fucking come already!” Stiles shouts, and that seems to do it. His hips stutter and jerk and Derek howls out as he comes.  She should have known Derek needs to be told - she’d facepalm herself if she weren’t so securely tied down. This is definitely something she’ll have to plan out for the next time; like, maybe next week when her vagina stops hating her.  She groans as he pulls out, throwing the incredibly full condom on the floor. Not sanitary.   He’s on clean up duty, for sure; she’s not going to be moving anytime soon, and he’d better disinfect the fuck out of this cushion.    
  
“You’re welcome for your presents,” she sighs happily as he reaches out to uncuff her wrists and ankles.  She stretches languidly, enjoying the endorphins, and oh, hello, circulation, you’ve been dearly missed.    
  
Stiles knows she’s going to start hurting soon, so she staggers up and tries to convince her legs to work and take her to the bathroom to clean up. She hobbles off, and Derek goes back to looking through the box. He doesn’t even look up when she peeks back into the room to say she was going to do homework now; he just waves her off, intent on reading sex toy instructions.     
  
“I need a demonstration!” Stiles hears Erica demand insistently. She walks into the open space they’re using as a living room to find Erica and Boyd huddled around Isaac’s present.  They look up quickly when they hear Stiles enter, but immediately turn back to the object of interest.     
  
“It doesn’t feel lifelike,” Boyd says as he pokes at it. “It says ‘lifelike’ on the box, but I think they lie. This doesn’t even feel ‘dead-like.’ ”   
  
They are examining the anatomically correct, life-sized, ass-shaped “Cyberskin” toy that is propped up on the coffee table. The toy also boasted of a silicone vagina with a built in vibrator. Stiles was particularly happy with this purchase - she even picked out the one modeled after some porn star with the juiciest bubble-butt. Stiles makes a mental note to look up more porn with that chick in it.   
  
Erica cups her hands around the round bum, before drawing back to give it a smack.  The silicone jiggles a little, and Erica lets out a snicker.  Boyd pokes at the other cheek, obviously fascinated at how the flesh of the toy dimples under his finger.   
  
“Who stole Sasha?” Isaac yells from the other room, obviously upset that his present has gone missing.   
  
“Oh shit,” Erica says, eyes widening, before she made a run for the door. Boyd takes another experimental poke at the round, rubbery bum before hustling after Erica.   
  
Isaac finds Sasha on the coffee table, and Stiles splayed out on the floor, laughing so hard that tears are pouring down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was hilarious. What was more hilarious was making H edit it. Because she gets all freaked out if I can't come up with the proper name for things. So we we ended up on sex toy websites trying to find the names of things. I am not kidding. Two grown women with full time jobs did this on a sunday.   
> Also poor H would like to make it known that editing sex scene are hard, and we love her for it anyway. 
> 
> References: Isaac yelling "who touched sasha?" is a direct quote from FT2 trailer for the Heavy.


	3. Not to be Trusted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Werewolf Bingo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not even sorry. laughing too hard.

Erica: Stiles is being weird.   
  
Isaac: You are going to have to be more specific.    
  
Boyd: ;)   
  
Erica: She is sitting really close to me, and is getting really touchy.   
  
Isaac: How touchy?   
  
Erica: Her hand is on my knee and she keeps rubbing it.    
  
Isaac: Anything else?   
  
Erica: She mentioned something about After Ellen.    
  
Isaac: ABORT! ABORT! ABANDON MISSION!   
  
Boyd: Dude no, I want to see this.    
  
Erica: See what?   
  
Boyd: Stiles is going to do you.    
  
Erica: WHAT?   
  
Isaac: I am now realizing that her comment about ‘werewolf bingo’ was not completely a joke.   
  
Boyd: I am getting a video camera.   
  
Isaac: Run away Erica. Stiles has creepy werewolf pheromones and is not to be trusted.   
  
Erica: I thought Derek was joking about that...   
  
Isaac: Derek doesn’t have a sense of humor of course he was serious!   
  
Erica: So it’s bad that she took my shirt off just now....   
  
Boyd: Damnit woman where are you?   
  
Isaac: Stiles, stop.   
  
Stiles: You want to come try? I always prefer penis to be part of the equation.    
Isaac: No.   
  
Stiles: Oh come on. It will be sandwhich part two.   
  
Isaac: Not to be trusted.    
  
Stiles: Your loss.   
  
Boyd: Where the fuck is this happening.   
  
Stiles: Erica’s basement. Hurry, she is sensitive.    
  
Isaac: Telling Derek.   
  
Isaac: Stiles is going to bang Erica and maybe Boyd like right now.    
  
Derek: And?   
  
Isaac: Shouldn’t you stop it, aren’t you dating?   
  
Derek: No and Yes.   
  
Isaac: Wait no you are not going to stop it and yes you are dating? Or no you are not dating and yes you are going to stop it.    
  
Derek: First one.   
  
Isaac: WHY?   
  
Derek: She has permission.   
  
Isaac: You are there, arent you? Watching.   
  
Derek:   
  
Isaac: Pervert.   
  
Scott: NO NO NO NO NO NO. TAKE ME OFF THIS GROUP TEXT! I DO NOT NEED TO BE HEARING THIS! I AM NOT A PART OF THIS! I AM CALLING MY MOM AND CANCELING MY TEXT PACKAGE! SCREW ALL OF YOU!   
  
Stiles: That’s kind of what I was going for.    
  
Scott: You bitch.    
  
Stiles: And we have a squirter.    
  
Boyd: Best day ever.   
  
Isaac: Make it go away.    
  
Scott: aaijfijefhhiehsgahdkkaoiefhoiehfiniaohdifhsoig   
  
Derek: I think we broke Scott.   
  
Stiles: Bonus points!


	4. Burning Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This just came to me.

Isaac: I hate all of you so much. 

Stiles: ;)

Isaac: You left me on a dust and soot covered table.

Stiles: That would be Derek's fault. 

Isaac: And I am guessing it's Derek's fault that you had a blow torch when I woke up as well?

Stiles: That's on Scott. 

Isaac: What did you guys do while I was unconcious?

Stiles: Well...

Scott: NO! I just got a new phone. Don't say anything

Derek: Who knew I has such a kink for fire.

Scott: THIS CHARACTER GROWTH IS BAD FOR YOU!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to write more in this story. It makes me happy.


	5. Dildo-ed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles has her revenge for the break up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dont even know.

Peter: Why is there a dildo in the garbage disposal?

Derek: Fucking hell.

Isaac: One was clogging the toilet. I didn't notice. Do we have paper towels.

Isaac: And scrubbing bubbles?

Peter: What did you do to Stiles?

Derek: NOTHING.

Isaac: Or something?

Derek: I called it off.

Peter: So she clogged all of your water with dildos.

Isaac: We JUST moved in!

* * *

 

Isaac: Why?

Stiles: Poetic Justice.

Isaac: I hate you.

Stiles: I have your history homework.

Isaac:

Isaac: I will be there in ten.

* * *

 

Peter: The real question is where she is getting the funds to do this.

Derek: .........

Peter: Oh, she is evil.

Derek: When did she get my wallet?

Peter: That I gave to her.

Derek: WHY?

Peter: She asked nicely.

Derek: You mean Lydia asked.

Peter: Yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KISSES!


	6. Team Human Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sheriff needs help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens when I have Nanowrimo but am tired of what I was doing.

Parent Coffee Club is not actually a thing. John and Stiles have had this discussion. He is not going to the the human/ werewolf version of AA. He does not open their weekly meetings with

"Hello my name is John Stilinski and my daughter is a Vessel who has been dating an older werewolf behind my back." He doesn't.

"How did you deal with it?"

"I shot him."

"What?"

"With an arrow, they heal."

"You shot my son WITH AN ARROW CHRISTOPHER?" Melissa joins the conversation at the worst possible time.

"He got better." Chris points out.

"You assaulted a minor." Melissa is having none of it.

This is not what John wanted. He just wanted tips on how to make this Derek person fear him like the wrath of god. It was rather hard to strike fear into the heart of a a 20 something when he could grow fangs and claws and turn into an actual wolf. That had been a surprise.

"We don't have a dog."

"It's Derek."

"What?"

"Four feet on the ground in the living room." Stiles counters from where she is perched on the sofa with her legs tucked under her. John looks at the wolf, then at his daughter, then back at the wolf.

"You are going to vacuum when he leaves." He has lost control of this house hold. They are going to go to the hardware store this weekend and have some real father- daughter bonding time. They might even build another potato gun in the store and see if they can freak out a cashier enough that they only have to pay twenty dollars for it.

John is starting to realize where Stiles gets it from. Chris gives him weapons.

"What am I supposed to do with all of these?"

"You are a police officer in America, I am pretty sure you don't have to answer those kinds of questions."

"John, no." Melissa gives him the disappointed mom head shake.

"But."

"Which of us came over at 4 am because the other's teen age daughter had started her first period in the middle of the night and ruined the sheets, her pajamas and half the bathroom towels before she finally asked for help?" John hates when Melissa brings up the Godfather moment. There should never be that much blood in a bed unless there is also a horse head there.

"You." He responds sadly.

"Yes. So you put that rifle back in Christopher's hands."

Peter Hale joins the group.

"Why are you here?"

"Adult bonding time." Peter winks at Chris. John doesn't have enough coffee in the world to deal with that.

"You are barely an adult." John points out, the man might look closer to their age but he is only a handful of years older than Derek.

"I am where it counts." Peter appears to be throwing himself over the sofa at Chris. Melissa looks like she swallowed a lemon but it also deeply smug.

"You and Stiles are never allowed to hang out." John cannot have this man spend time with her. It will end in destruction of public property. "She's the one that told me to come."


	7. Whoopie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can no longer explain what is happening in this story.

Derek used to think that Stiles was this crazy kid and her father just put up with it. He was wrong. He was so wrong.

She got this behavior from him. It's genetic. He is so doomed.

"Did you put a whoopie cushion under my seat pillow?"

"It's call a chair cushion."

"Did you put a whoopie cushion under my seat cushion?"

"I don't have to answer questions while standing on my own property."

"DAD!"

"Don't DAD me."

*extremely loud whisper* "DEREK IS HERE."

*even louder whisper* "I KNOW."

This man protects their town. Everyone is doomed. 


End file.
